limerick – Page 82 – Pete's Limericks

Loose knickers

If a woman whose knickers are loose
Has sufficient secretion of juice,
If a fellow is quick,
He can slip in his dick,
Where and when it will be of most use!

John, Lee (hooker)

There’s a generous hooker, called Lee
Who does all sorts of things for a fee.
If you’re terribly nice
She may lower her price,
And she might even do it for free!

Actions louder than words

In the much more relaxed tropic latitudes,
People have sensible attitudes:
“How do you do,”
And then on with the screw,
And to hell with the small talk and platitudes!

Deathbed confession

When a fellow’s been stabbed with a knife,
Prompt first-aid may perhaps save his life:
If he’s really a mess,
Then it’s safe to confess
You’ve been having it off with his wife.

Size queen

She was pretty, well-rounded and kissable.
Squeezing her tits was permissible…
Fucking was too…
Though it was also true,
Only pricks of great size were admissible.

Hot and sweaty

A deceptive young lady called Kelso
Loves sex, though one can’t really tell so.
She likes her men tough,
And the love-making rough…
She just wishes their sweat didn’t smell so!

An earful

To be just a wee bit hard of hearing,
In old chaps, is rather endearing,
And codgers thus blessed
May lean close to one’s breast,
Which they should, of course, do without leering!

She doth protest too much

A young lady, who’d never been had,
Was seduced by a dashing young cad.
Though she seemed to protest,
She so soon acquiesced,
That he knew she was secretly glad!

Gold digger

Though a slut and a bitch and gold-digger,
She had a remarkable figure,
That begged to be screwed,
And she loved to get nude,
And do just that, with unashamed vigour!

Rent boy

A pathetically penniless gent
Fucks his landlord’s wife, Maude, for the rent:
Though she’s large and unsightly
He rogers her nightly,
Then creeps back to bed, when he’s spent!