March 2013 – Page 7 – Pete's Limericks

Jezebel

By the window, dressed, waiting alone;
Death would come soon, by sword or by stone,
Pretty Jezebel knew.
“Pagan slut!” yelled Jehu,
Now you’re dogs-meat, bitch! Jump, or be thrown!”

Giving head

When Salome let slip her last veil,
Drunk Herod, a red-blooded male,
Said “Fuck! That was great!
Here’s John’s head on a plate!”
Sex and booze, women know, never fail.

Bathsheba

Bold Bathsheba was flaunting her charms,
Bathing naked, out under the palms,
Where King David could see;
He thought “She’ll do for me!”
You can read what then happened in Psalms.*

* (I know, 2 Samuel 11:3, but that doesn’t fit the rhyme)

Buyer beware

Since they hadn’t been caught in the act,
That she’d fucked wasn’t known for a fact.
A more suitable suitor
Was found than the rooter,
Her virtue, he thought, still intact.

The end justifies the means

Quite the prettiest whore on the street;
She did well, on her regular beat.
Men would wink, she’d nod yes,
And she’d hitch up her dress;
An age-old way of making ends meet.

Goods and services

Certain archaeological data
Suggests sex was once used in barter;
Say rice, a full bag,
For an overnight shag
With the wife, not bad value, pro rata.

The indirect approach

She was knickerless, naked essentially,
Ripe to be rooted, potentially;
One of the chaps
On the dance floor, perhaps ……
She was, too, although only tangentially.